Super-massive element discovered
LIVERMORE, Calif. — Researchers at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratories today announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Governmentium”, (Gv) with one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-ike particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with taxtons, $, Governmentium becomes Administratium – an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
In my personal research with Governmentium I have found that it can have a toxic effect on the brain cells of a small percentage of young adults. Althought the percentage does not represent a statistically significant portion of the overall population of young adults, the effects such as uncontrollable self-medication (usually alcohol or shopping), disconnect from reality, and general mental retardation are startling. Though trend data in not yet available, it has been suggested by comparison of previous studies of Governmentium that these negative effects have only increased in the last 5 years.